


Trespasser On My Heart

by RavenCall70



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anger, Canon Gay Character, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Friendship, Gay Sex, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Pavelyan - Freeform, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Indulgent, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 12:54:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13388229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenCall70/pseuds/RavenCall70
Summary: What if the Inquisitor reacted badly to Dorian's return to Tevinter? What if the Inquisitor became deeply depressed and hid it so well no one realized how far he'd fallen and it's a race to find him before it's too late?This is that story.*Dedicated to the memory of a friend who took his own life.





	1. 1

"I'm not saying goodbye." Dorian said. His voice trembling slightly, giving away the cheery air he was trying to affect.

"Doesn't seem like it from where I'm standing." I retorted, feeling a petty satisfaction at how my words made him flinch, even as my hand closed in a tight fist over the strange amulet he'd given me. 

He stepped closer, reaching for me and without thinking I moved out of his reach, watching as his arms fell useless at his sides. 

"Please, amatus..." He pleaded, his eyes moist. "This isn't what I wanted at all. It's only temporary, just give me a little time to sort things out back home. Time to establish myself, make it safe for you..."

There was that word again... home, and I felt something twist inside me. So many things wanted to pass through my lips. Anger that he would keep this from me, hurt that he'd planned to go back before the Conclave had even convened. Betrayal that he would leave me after everything that had happened, with the Exalted Council, the Inquisition and Solas. 

The fact that he'd kept this from me hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. Not even my father's disapproval and disdain had hurt this much. It made me think awful things, that every time he'd said he couldn't bear to lose me, he'd meant on someone else's terms, or how he hated being apart but only because he had nowhere else to go. But the worst thought, the one that refused to breathe one word of what I was really thinking, was that he'd told me the truth long ago. That despite his vehement denial and reluctance to begin a relationship with me, he really had been the Magister who'd been using me.

"Amatus?" Dorian prompted. "Please say something."

I looked at him then and with all the poisonous thoughts running through my head, I couldn't see the man I loved who professed to love me. Instead, I saw a Magister who wanted the power he was being granted even if it meant leaving me, the only man he'd ever claimed to love.

"I'm sorry for your loss Dorian. I know you and your father weren't close but he was still your father."

"He was. Yes." He frowned. I could almost taste his fear and panic over how empty and flat my voice was.

"I wish you safe journey and good luck Dorian. From what I understand of Minrathous, you're going to need it. If you'll excuse me, I need to speak with Josephine before I leave the Winter Palace."

I relished the look of shock in his face as I turned away from him, by heart pounding in my chest, tight with grief and rage.

His hand landed on my arm as he moved to stop me, his eyes filling with unshed tears.

"Amatus.." He begged. "Please don't leave it like this."

I whirled around, my eyes flashing with anger as I forced him to remove his hand from me.

"Never call me that again." I whispered, my voice grown cold with rage. "You can lie and reason and justify all you want Dorian but you planned to return to Tevinter long before the Conclave was called. You knew and you didn't talk to me about it. You made a decision and didn't bother to tell me until now. Why? Because if you had a real reason to return I might be more understanding? More sympathetic? I have to wonder how long you were planning to stick around if your father hadn't died."

"Nathaniel please. It's not like that at all. Let's talk about this."

"Vishante kaffas!" I roared. "There's nothing to talk about! You warned me you didn't know how to do relationships and I didn't listen. Go home Dorian. Maker knows you've never liked Ferelden or ever considered it your home. I always ignored that bit you know? Thinking maybe it was because you were in a country where magic is suspect, making you feel outcast. But I was wrong again wasn't I? Ferelden will never be your home, not even if it's mine."

"No, Nathaniel." Dorian shook his head, but I could see the droop in his shoulders and the slight sag in his posture and knew I'd hit home with something I'd said. "That's not true. I've handled this very badly yes. Atrociously even... just please, let us talk."

I could hear the pleading in his voice, could even hear my own grief echoing there. But I wasn't interested in talking. I'd been looking forward to spending time with him, without the constant demands of the Inquisition. And he was leaving, what more was there to talk about?

"I'm done talking. Goodbye Magister Pavus. Safe travels."

I spun on my heel and marched from the garden faster than he could react and fled from him. I made my way to the palace gardens where a servant serving drinks was always at hand, knowing that though Dorian would be inclined to do the same, he wouldn't given how close to tears he'd been. 

I grabbed the first drink that came to hand as the servant materialized beside me when I entered the fountain garden. If he thought my behaviour odd he gave no indication. I downed it quickly, pleased when the burn of fine Antivan brandy seared my throat, burning away the tears which threatened to fall. I waved my hand lightly and another brandy replaced the one I'd drained. 

I moved away from him taking long, slow swallows and savouring the numbing sensation it was having on me. I drained the second less quickly than the first and this time the servant merely bowed and replaced the empty glass with a third. 

I waved him off then. I didn't need a witness should the brandy betray me and leave me weeping in the grass like a child in front of him. I moved closer to the fountain, glass held loosely in my hand as I stared into the clear  water. 

An unbidden memory came to me then and a tear tracked down my cheek despite my efforts to the contrary. Dorian dressed in Inquisition colours, standing alone in this very courtyard, promising me a dance later while making me smile despite his discomfort. 

Angrily I banished the memory and took another swallow of brandy. I couldn't do this here. I had to get away from Halamshiral. The futher the better, as far as I was concerned and no one need know why. 

I drained my glass and left the garden, intent on finding Josie and making the necessary arrangements for my departure. I knew I couldn't hide my current state, but after what had just happened I was finding it hard to care let alone feel much of  anything but numb.

**Dorian**

He'd been back in Minrathous a month and in all that time he'd made a point of never being idle or alone for more than an hour. The trip from Halamshiral had taken a week. Not because it was a long trip, but because a small part of him had hoped Nathaniel would come after him and forgive him. 

Not that he deserved his forgiveness. It wasn't until Nathaniel had accused him of deliberately keeping his return to Minrathous a secret that he realized that maybe he had been. Not consciously, but clearly he had planned to return. Why else would he have sought the  merchant who'd made him the sending crystals? It's not as though he would have needed them if he'd planned to remain in Ferelden.

Kaffas! He stumbled then, almost going to his knees with the weight of loss and self-loathing he'd carried since leaving Halamshiral. Every day he'd been back, he'd made sure to fill his every waking moment with things to do. Whether it was meetings or luncheons or research, he was never idle or alone with his own company for more than an hour. He couldn't even shave himself because he couldn't stand to look himself in the eye. After everything Nathaniel had done for him, had sacrificed for all of Thedas, he, Dorian Pavus hadn't even had the courage to tell the man he loved the truth.

The only time when his personal demons wouldn't let him rest was at night. Alone, in the dark, in the massive bed he shared with no one, he couldn't keep the tears at bay. He couldn't ignore the crushing weight of loss from pressing down on him, a weight  which threatened to drown him in grief and loneliness. 

But right now his problem was he had nothing to do and nowhere to go and it was only midday. If he didn't find something to occupy him, he knew he would do something reckless just to stop the crush of emotion he was forced to hide every day.

"Magister Pavus?" A timid servant appeared in the doorway of his study. 

"Yes what is it?" He snapped, annoyed by the anger in own voice, followed by annoyance he'd displayed any emotion at all.

"A message has come for you ser. The deliverer of which said to tell you it was urgent."

Dorian frowned to keep his eyes from sparking with hope. Urgent? Perhaps Nathaniel wanted to see him? He frowned harder even as he waved the servant inside to hand him the message. No. If it was urgent it wouldn't be from him.

"Thank you Simae. That will be all." He waited for Simae to close the door before turning his attention to the parchment on his desk.

Hope warred with fear as he stared at it, wondering idly if it might burst into flames if he stared at it hard enough. Growling under his breath he snatched it up, broke the seal and began reading.

 _"Magister Pavus,_  
_I'm aware of the unusual and suspect nature of this request, but matters being what they are I feel we need to speak in person. Meet me in the building with the cracked bell in the Vivazzi plaza. I'll be waiting.  
_ _A friend"_

A friend? What friend? Dorian  frowned, then scowled when an unbidden memory sprang to mind. Iron Bull? No, he shook his head vehemently. Impossible. Besides the fact the Bull was Tal-Vashoth and Qunari and this was Minrathous, Bull didn't write notes like this. 

It was almost certainly a trap and not a very good one at that. It only took a second for him to decide to go. Though he wasn't prepared to deliberately walk dark alleys at night looking for trouble, walking into a trap with the potential to end him was preferable.

He might not want to admit how desperate, lonely and utterly lost he'd become since leaving Halamshiral, but the idea of blissful nothingness was too appealing to ignore. Without Nathaniel, with his heart in pieces and his convictions lying in tatters at his feet, oblivion would most assuredly be preferable to this torture. 

He called Simae as he readied himself to leave the Pavus mansion. "I'm going out to the Vivazzi plaza. I'm only telling you this so you are aware of my destination. If I fail to return, well, it's been nice having you as my assistant."

"Sir?" Simae was frowning at him. 

"Don't trouble yourself trying to understand. I know I haven't been myself since I've been back and I apologise for that. If the Maker chooses to smile on me and I happen to return, you can pretend we never had this conversation."

"Uh...of course ser." Simae nodded, his frown disappearing into the emotionless mask everyone in Tevinter wore. "As you wish ser."

"Very good." Dorian nodded, feigning a happiness he didn't feel as he breezed out the door. "Don't wait up."


	2. 2

**Nathaniel**

I'd been in Kirkwall a little under a month. Despite how long it had taken the Inquisition to build itself up, it's dismantling was swift by comparison. After a week at Skyhold and assisting Josephine with the things only I could take care of, I left the rest of the work in her capable hands.

I waited until after I'd received word from Antiva that she'd arrived safely, before sending off a thank you package by way of apology for my behaviour. In it was a gold and silverite amulet, emblazoned on one side with the Inquisition logo while on the back was the Trevelyan family crest. I also made plans for a giant floral arrangement and a case of Antivan brandy to be delivered at the same time as the amulet.

That had been a week ago. At the moment I was in my library drinking, staring into the flames of the roaring fire set in my fireplace. Varric had suggested I hire a servant or two to help me transition, but I'd waved him off. I was tired of servants and followers and any reminder of what I'd lost only caused me pain.

With the Inquisition gone and Josephine home, I'd ordered several cases of Antivan brandy. Varric had taken care of it though he didn't hide his suspicion that it was all for me. I told him I had a lot of people to thank and sent him on his way with several bottles of his own.

He left reluctantly and though he didn't like it, promised to deliver a second shipment the following week. I knew it wasn't because he wanted me to have it, but because he also knew that if he didn't I'd get it from someone else. By getting me what I wanted, he would have a legitimate reason to check in on me regularly. 

As for the rest of my companions and followers I had refused their offer of giving me a farewell celebration. I just wanted it all to be over and thanked them for all their help, promising to keep in touch amidst their tears and well-wishes. After sending my gifts to Josephine, I arranged delivery for  each and every one of my friends to receive their own keepsakes and brandy. 

For all but Josie, Dagna had crafted a ring for every one. Made of silverite, with an exquisitely cut ruby, the inside circle was engraved with the name of each recipient and the emblem of the Inquisition. I included a personal note of thanks to each of them and as the last package left my hands, I closed my mind and heart to all I had been.

A week later I received a letter from Josephine who thanked me profusely for what I'd sent before begging me to come visit. I read her words and felt nothing as I crumpled it in my hand before tossing it in the fireplace.

It wasn't the loss of the Inquisition or the betrayal of Solas or even the loss of my arm that had me numb. Though I felt the losses of those things, I had been tired for so long it was hard to miss what had consumed my life for the past three years.

It was the loss of Dorian which made me retreat inside myself, refusing visitors, declining invitations and ignoring my friends. The one man I had ever loved was now lost to me and I had no illusions I would ever find another. 

It wasn't because I was no longer the Inquisitor or even that I now only had one hand. It was for the simple understanding that the love I felt for Dorian was rare and no matter what others might say, that kind of love only happened once in a lifetime. That I had been able to taste what that was like was precious to me, despite how  fleeting it had been or how quickly it had been taken away.

Without Dorian I was empty, drifting and passing my days as the shell of the man I'd been. I hated how losing him had changed me but after everything I'd survived I was too tired to care. 

Setting aside my empty glass, I reached for the hidden lever which concealed a passage to my cellar. Two days after I'd moved in I had hired a local dock worker to fashion me several reusable practice dummies. Prior to leaving Skyhold, I'd worked with Dagna to fashion me something  for my missing arm which would  allow me to fit it with a blade.

I would never again hold a dagger in my left hand and I needed to practice fighting one-handed. The first hurdle had been a surprise. With half my arm gone it was a shock to realize how it affected my balance and my ability to move quickly on a battlefield.

I was learning how to compensate for my missing limb while working on using the deformation to my advantage. No one knew what I was doing. No one knew I had no plans to remain in Kirkwall and I wasn't about to enlighten them. 

I knew my plan was glorified suicide but I was long past caring. I'd seen how history remembered the first Inquisitor, Ameridan. And then how Denirim had stopped revering the Hero of Ferelden only to go on to condemn the Champion of Kirkwall for her decision to side with the mages. 

The people didn't care about hero's after their lives returned to normal and their families were safe. None of them would wonder or care where I went if I happened to disappear one day. The tales the bards and taverns  told would continue, long after I was gone. They didn't need me to save them and if they did I was no longer inclined to care. 

As soon as I felt confident enough in my re-training I was setting out for the Deep Roads. I knew what awaited me there and though I wanted an end to the empty nothingness that had become part of me when I walked away from Dorian, I wasn't about to go down without a fight.

**Dorian**

It took less than an hour to reach the plaza where he was meant to meet with the mysterious friend. He paused a moment as he disembarked from the carriage.

Was he really going to do this? Turning, he dropped a sovereign in the driver's hand and told him not to wait as he spun on his heel and headed for the front door of the building. All his lofty speeches and hopes for his country's future had truly meant nothing without Nathaniel. He didn't want to go on without him and given how they'd parted, he would never see his amatus again.

His eyes welled with tears as he wrenched the door open, stepping inside the cool dark of the empty building. Best to get on with it then, he mused feeling numb to his impending demise. For  certainly it was his own assassination he was walking into. Who else would know of this place? 

His footsteps echoed in the stone-walled room, mocking his progress in imitation of a death knoll.

"Wasn't sure you'd come." Growled a voice from the shadows. "Didn't figure you for a quitter."

"That implies you know something about me." Dorian  retorted.

"That's because I do."

The crunch of glass came from behind him and he whirled to face his assassin, wanting to meet his death with dignity. He had a moment to gasp in shock, his eyes wide with disbelief before Bull's fist made contact with his jaw. He flew backward with the impact, his jaw aching and his head throbbing as he landed hard, smacking the back of his head on the stone floor. He blinked, everything silent and he had a moment to wonder if he was dead before he was hauled up by his robes and roughly set on his feet.

"Bull?" He said, his voice sounding strange in his ears.

Bull grunted, watching him with his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face as he waited for Dorian to recover. 

When he could think clearly again, he straightened up and frowned at the oxman, a million questions on his lips. 

"Andraste's tits! What the blazes are you doing here? How are you here? This is Tevinter and you're... you're a Qunari! You sent the note? Why'd you hit me? Was that really necessary?"

Bull grunted again, crossing the room to press his back into the wall before answering. "Why'd you come Dorian?"

Dorian's mouth opened but nothing came out, his mind unwilling  to answer. 

Bull snorted. "That's what I thought."

"What's what you thought?" He snapped, Bull's knowing look raising his anger. 

"You. You know what you did and now you can't live with yourself. It's priceless."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do Vint. Though apologizing would fix what's wrong with you and be a lot more pleasant."

"There's nothing wrong with me! Now tell me what you're doing here."

"You need to come back Dorian." Bull sighed. "The Inquisitor... he's not doing so good."

Dorian's breath caught, a chill snaking up his spine at the  mention of Nathaniel. "I assure you, if the Inquisitor isn't doing well I am the last person in all of Thedas he would want to see."

"You're wrong Dorian and I don't have time to argue. He's planning something... none of us can get through to him. You have to come. You're the only one who can reach him now."

"What do you mean he's planning something?" Dorian's heart had stopped. Bull's words had done more than chill him, he was terrified. 

"I... what? I can't Bull. I... he hates me. I can't be the one..."

"Dorian." Bull said as he pushed away from the wall and gathered him into his arms. He held him tight until he felt Dorian's shoulders sag and he began to shake as sobs wracked his body.

"Hush Vint. You think you're the only one who's ever fucked up? You think the Inquisitor stopped loving you just because you hurt him? Snap out of it Dorian. The two of you are so alike, so proud, so stubborn. And yet I have never seen a love like the two of you share. He needs you Dorian, just as you need him."

Dorian sniffed loudly, pulling away from Bull to swipe at his  eyes, ashamed of himself for not seeing things as clearly as Bull had just done. He'd been so certain there was no way to fix what he'd done, he'd given up.

"When can we leave?" He said, turning his tear-streaked eyes to Bull.

"So you'll come?"

"Of course I'll come you big ox."

"As soon as you make the necessary excuses to your people. Last thing we need is someone following you."

Dorian snorted. "The only person who might miss me is Magister Tilani. The rest of them would be glad to be rid of me."

"Whatever. But you're telling her in person. I don't know how long this will take and we really don't want you followed."

Dorian frowned. There was clearly more going on here than Bull was saying but he also knew the former Ben-Hasrath would tell him nothing until they were out of Tevinter. 

"Fine. I'll take care of it. Where do I meet you?"

"There's a boat waiting for us at the docks. We'll be ready to leave as soon as you return."

"A boat?"

Bull laughed, a wide grin on his  face as he took in Dorian's face which had gone pale at the mention of a boat. "Yeah Vint. A boat. Don't worry I've got something that'll help."

"So long as it doesn't involve you punching me in the face, I'd be most grateful."

Bull merely smiled and melted back into the shadows. "See you soon Dorian. Make it quick.


	3. 3

**Nathaniel**

I was standing by the fireplace again, an empty brandy bottle clutched in my hand. I was still procrastinating. I'd already packed a satchel of supplies and placed it by the front door three days ago.

I was delaying and doing a piss-poor job of lying to myself about why. A small part of me was clinging to the hope that Dorian would come back to me, beg my forgiveness. 

Yet that was unlikely given how I'd behaved when we'd last spoken. After what I'd said, he probably believed I hated him. And despite all my efforts to do just that, I didn't.

None of what he'd done mattered. I loved him and knew I always would but it was too late to tell him that. I couldn't go to Minrathous and I had no idea how to use the sending crystal he'd given me. Kaffas! This was not getting me anywhere. 

In a fit of frustration and despair, I threw the empty bottle at the  fireplace, feeling morbid satisfaction when it shattered, shards of glass spraying everywhere. I spun on my heels and grabbed the satchel from the  floor, throwing it over my shoulder, my jaw clenched in anger. 

Grabbing the bucket I'd filled earlier, I tossed it on the fire, coughing as smoke billowed outward as the flames sputtered and died. Still I hesitated, my eyes filling with tears as I grabbed another empty bottle and threw it after the first. With a choked sob, I turned and stepped out onto the street, slamming the door behind me. It was time to end this torture, time to write the last chapter on the Herald of Andraste, unwitting pawn in the great game of Fen'Harel's destruction of the world. I was done saving it. I'd sacrificed enough, risked enough and lost the most important thing in the world to me. Without it, I had nothing.

My anger and distress sustained the hard pace I set as I made my way to the docks to book passage to the Storm Coast. This was it, I told myself as the ship headed out to sea. I watched the shore shrink as the boat picked up speed, a strong wind taking me further away from a city I might once have called home, if not for losing the one thing which mattered to me the most.

**Dorian**

Dorian hung over the railing, losing his breakfast once again as the ship heaved and dipped over the choppy surf.

"I've never seen a man get so sick on a boat before." Bull mused, joining him.

"I'm sure my discomfort is of great amusement to you. Please go away."

Bull laughed casting him a knowing look. "Entertaining maybe, but not amused. Just wanted to tell you we'll be docking in Kirkwall in half an hour. Thought you'd want to know."

Dorian flashed a weak smile, knowing he looked awful. "Thank the Maker."

"No problem. Seeing as you're currently incapacitated, I'll pack up your things and bring them up when we dock. Try not to get sick again though. I don't wanna have to carry you after you faint from dehydration."

"I'm not the fainting type."

Bull snorted and headed for the hold, shaking his head as he went. They hadn't spoken much after boarding the ship and Dorian had been too ill to ask questions. Not that he needed to. The fact that Bull had personally come to collect him was more than enough proof the Inquisitor was in a very bad state. Not much worried the big oxman and if he was involved then the situation couldn't be worse.

An hour later they were making their way through the city, evidence of what had happened years ago still littering the streets. Buildings were missing roofs or  walls, while scorch marks from fires marked various structures they passed. Bull led him to a small townhouse near the edge of Hightown. It was non-descript for the most part, but in excellent shape compared to other buildings they'd seen.

Bull met Dorian's eyes as he rapped his knuckles on the door. A moment passed, then another and Dorian felt his pulse speed. Bull knocked again, waited a moment and then pushed the door wide, surprised to find it unlocked. Dorian saw it and felt his heart squeeze with fear. Were they too late?

Inside, evidence of the Inquisitor's emotional state lay everywhere. From the dozen or so empty bottles to the shards of glass littering the floor. It was so shocking to see that it was several minutes before either could make sense of it.

"Boss." Bull croaked, his voice filled with a pain Dorian had never heard before. 

"This is where he was staying? Where's Varric? I thought you said he was keeping an eye on him?" He could hear the accusation and fear in his voice but couldn't curb his rising panic.

Bull said nothing as he bent to inspect the fireplace.

"What are doing you big ox? I asked you a question!  Where is he? Did you know it was this bad?"

Bull shook his head. "We knew he was avoiding us, but we didn't think he was drinking this much. He hasn't been gone long though, he doused the fire with water."

A sound at the front door drew their attention and Dorian practically flew to see who it was. But his shoulders sagged and his legs grew weak when Varric appeared, a frown on his face.

"Damn. I'd hoped to catch you before you saw this." He said, meeting Dorian's eyes.

"Varric. Where is he? Where is Nathaniel?" 

"Gone." Varric replied, sighing heavily. "We think he left last night judging from the state of this place."

"What do you mean you think?" Dorian growled. He couldn't accept that after all this he had arrived too late to do anything. 

"Look Sparkler, I know you're upset but I'm not the one who left."

Dorain's face crumpled and silent tears coursed down his cheeks. "I know this is all my fault and I'm certain you all hate me, but..." His voice cracked leaving him unable to finish.

"We don't hate you Sparkler. Everything that happened in Halamshiral was bad. Whatever happened between the two of you wasn't all your fault."

"How do you know?  I am a Magister now."

Varric snorted. "You'll never be that kind of Magister and I know the Inquisitor. He can be a right stubborn bastard at times."

"This isn't helping Varric." Bull grunted. "Where is he? You got any leads at all?"

"I've got someone checking on that. They're meeting me at the  Hanged Man in an hour."

"So what are we waiting for? Let's go." Dorian growled heading for the door.

"Hold up a minute Vint." Bull grumbled, his attention drawn to a candle holder set an an odd angle near the fireplace.  "What's this?"

A hidden door sprung open and they stared at each other in surprise before taking the stairs to the cellar. Practice dummies littered the floor, a few still upright but filled with deadly slash marks.

"Someone's been training down here." Bull muttered.

"What the blazes for? And why are there so many empty bottles upstairs?"

"The Inquisitor drinks." Bull reminded him.

"Not like that he doesn't." Dorian snapped. "How could you not notice it was a problem?"

"I was trying to give him some space." Varric muttered. "And he's been refusing to see anyone for over a week. Last time I tried he threatened to leave town, so I stayed away. Clearly it was the wrong thing to do."

"Well I've seen enough." Dorian huffed. "Can we go now?"

"Don't worry Sparkler. We'll find him."

**Nathaniel**

The closer I'd gotten to the Storm Coast the less I wanted to be there. I'd been questioning my decision ever since I'd left Kirkwall. I was standing on the shore, the water lapping at my feet as I watched the ship head back out to sea. 

I was truly alone now. The Storm Coast had yet to become a regular shipping lane and the Hessarian's I'd befriended had left the area months ago. The longer I stood here the more I questioned myself, so with a weary sigh, I adjusted my pack and began following the river inland, heading for the cave I knew led into the Deep Roads. 

Two hours later, I'd cleared the passage Dorian had magically sealed years ago and was readying several torches in preparation of my descent. Thinking of Dorian as I'd worked reminded me of happier times and everything I'd lost and the last bit of resistance to what I was doing evaporated. Knowing my alternative was to continue living without him and walking back to the nearest village, I shouldered my pack, lit a torch and descended into darkness.

\----xxx----

It had taken me twenty minutes to reach the bottom when I began to see the first signs of dwarven  architecture. The path I'd taken had been carved from rock and earth, parts of which littered the passage making progress difficult.

As with all Thaigs, lit torches burned here, powered by some ancient magic or mechanism that kept the roads well-lit long after the dwarven keepers had gone. I'd asked Varric about it once and he'd just shrugged and shook his head. He hadn't known why either but had been damned grateful for however they'd managed it, not  relishing the idea of being down here in total darkness.

I came upon what looked to be the remnants of a camp long since  abandoned and set about placing traps around the perimeter. I didn't know a lot about darkspawn, but I was fairly  confident I was safe here, so close to the surface.

An hour later I'd choked down some dried meat and a bit of fruit before cracking open the brandy I'd packed. Tears were falling unchecked down my cheeks, my mind filled with images of Dorian. I'd avoided picturing him for so long, I had no way to stop them coming now.

The amulet he'd given me lay in my hand, limp and useless and I cursed myself again for not asking how it worked. This was it, the end of the road for me and all I wanted now was to hear his voice one more time.

I stared at the bright red stone, willing it do something, anything to let me know it worked. But it did nothing and so I talked to it, pretending he could hear me as I said what I needed to say.

\----xxx----

"Dorian... Dorian are you there? Kaffas! Why didn't I let you show me how this blasted thing works? I... I'm sorry Dorian, I'm so sorry. I should have let you talk, I should have let you explain. But I was so hurt, so shocked... thinking you'd planned to leave before seeing me  I... I couldn't think straight. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I'm sorry I behaved so badly and now... It doesn't matter. I only wanted to tell you how much I love you. I've always loved you and I always will. I'm sorry for what I have to do now but I can't live without you. I thought I could but I can't. Please forgive me, I know it will be a shock when you hear what I've done, but please don't think it's your fault...I, I don't even know what I'm saying now, talking to a damned crystal. Goodbye Dorian. I love you."

He'd been so surprised at hearing Nathaniel's broken voice, his heart squeezing painfully with every stammered word, he'd stared at the sending crystal in shock unable to think. 

Bull and Varric had merely stared at him, their eyes wide as Nathaniel's voice broke through the silence of their camp. 

"Sparkler?"

Blinking, a wave of panic shot through him as he clutched the amulet tight in his hand.

"Nathaniel? Nathaniel! Amatus!" He cried, his pulse thudding as no response came.

"Dorian? Is that you or have I  finally cracked?"

"It's really me Nathaniel. Where are you? I need to see you."

"I'm... it doesn't matter where I am. It's too late and I'm too far away now. I'm not in Kirkwall."

"I know that Amatus. I've been to your house."

"You...what? You've been to Kirkwall? Why? What's happened?" 

"What's happened? You happened!  Where are you amatus? Please, I need to see you."

"I'm in the Deep Roads Dorian on the Storm Coast. It doesn't matter  though, it's too late, I can hear something coming. Probably darkspawn. I'm sorry I.. have to go."

"Amatus!" As soon as Nathaniel had said his location, Varric and Bull had packed up the camp and started walking while Dorian continued to plead with the Inquisitor. 

"Nathaniel! Please amatus! Answer me!"

"Come on Vint." Bull grunted, "We're almost there. Save your breath. We've got some hard walking to do."


	4. 4

**Nathaniel**

I couldn't believe Dorian had answered me or that I'd heard his voice. It was a nice touch that I'd heard him, but I was already so lost to my grief it seemed much more likely I'd imagined it all. Dorian in Kirkwall? It was too preposterous to imagine much less believe. 

I'd stuffed the amulet in my pocket when the first dragonling appeared, screeching at me in that strange crying squawk they had. It grated on my nerves as I readied myself for the rest of it's fellows to attack as I slit the first one's throat. 

Anger fuelled my blade, the adrenaline spurring me to slash, hack and stab my way through the more than two dozen dragonlings which followed. I gasped for breath as the last one fell, my blades slick with their blood, my clothes spattered with gore. Exhausted, I picked my way through the bodies littering the ground and returned to where I'd left my pack. 

Though I'd planned to move deeper into the Thaig, the battle with the dragonlings had left me weak and shaking. After resetting my traps, I curled up on my bedroll and promptly passed out.

**Dorian**

"He did this by himself?" Dorian said aloud when they reached the  passage he'd blocked years before. 

"Sure looks like it." Bull grunted, inspecting the rock as he heaved himself into the opening.

"This is worse than we thought." Varric murmured, following behind Bull. 

"I did not need to hear that, thank you." Dorian snapped, his nerves raw with emotion.

"Sparkler, I'll say it again. This isn't your fault. None of us saw this coming. This... this just isn't like him."

"But you're not the one who left." Dorian reminded him bitterly.

"From what I heard, he didn't give you much choice." Bull called over his shoulder, his voice echoing off the cave wall.

"So what exactly does everyone think happened?" Dorian growled. "He just suddenly stopped loving me or what?"

"Sparkler we know you've always had a low opinion of yourself, but in answer to your question, no he didn't." Varric replied, grunting as he heaved himself over another boulder blocking the passage.

"Then what?" 

"He said your father died and you had to go back to deal with the fallout." Bull answered. "Said you had no choice since you were his only living relative."

Dorian grunted, tears springing to his eyes. Of course he'd not told them everything. Of course he'd kept their friends in the dark. Bloody man had protected him even when he hadn't deserved it.

"Hold up." He called. "You both need to know the rest of it."

"Walk and talk Vint." Bull growled. "Whatever it is, we don't care. We've got to reach him before he loses us in the Thaig and you're the only one he'll listen to."

"But..."

"Come on Sparkler." Varric muttered. "Whatever happened doesn't matter. We all heard him. He loves you and that's what's important. Besides, you're here with us. I know you wouldn't be here if you didn't still love him. Tiny told me what happened in Minrathous. You were on the edge too right?"

"I... yes. I... suppose I was." He nodded, brushing the tears from his cheeks. "Let's hurry."

\---xxx---

Dorian's heart was in his throat as the dead dragonlings came into view. Dropping his pack, he hurried ahead searching for any sign that Nathaniel had been there. But the mass of dead was overwhelming, it seemed impossible anyone could have survived, especially alone. 

He saw no sign of life and could hear nothing but the pounding of his own heart. Stumbling through the tangle of limbs, he could see little through his tears when he stumbled, tripping and falling face first to the stone floor. 

A low moan broke the silence and his breath caught in his chest as he scrambled to his feet. Searching the dark, he peered at what he'd tripped over, sucking in a breath as Nathaniel's unconscious form swam into view.

He was at his side in an instant, cradling his head in his lap as he ran his hands over his body, searching for injuries. 

"Is that the Inquisitor?" Varric asked, his eyes wide with shock.

"Sure is." Bull proclaimed, a note of hope in his voice. "Come on dwarf, help me clear away these bodies before they start to stink. And check the Inquisitor's traps, see if we need to add more."

"Right. Good idea." Varric nodded, glad to have something to do while Dorian saw to the Inquisitor. 

"Amatus?" Dorian whispered, his hand shaking as he cleaned away the dried blood and gore stuck to Nathaniel's face. "Can you hear me?"

A low moan escaped his lips as his eyes fluttered open to stare at him in confusion. "Dorian? Is it really you?"

"Yes it's me Nathaniel. Are you all right?"

"Are you dead too then?"

"Of course not and neither are you. Though not from lack of trying." He snapped. 

"You're really here?"

His voice was so broken and so filled with hope, it took everything he had not to burst into tears. "Yes. I'm really here Nathaniel."

Nathaniel blinked once, twice and then he was sitting up, his lips pressed to his, claiming his mouth as though he were drowning. Dorian responded with the same urgency, desperate to assure himself the man in his arms was real and not some cruel nightmare.

"Dorian." Nathaniel breathed against his lips, pulling back to stare into his eyes. "I can't believe you're here. I thought... I thought you hated me after what I did. I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He said, brushing a lock of hair from Nathaniel's eyes. "It's my fault for what happened."

"No Dorian. Don't apologize. It was wrong of me to accuse you of what I did. I... I know what your homeland means to you. I always knew. You never hid that from me."

"But..."

Nathaniel smiled and kissed him again, this time pouring all the love he felt for him into the kiss. Dorian's breath hitched, his heart swelling with the love he felt. 

"But how did you find me? How are you here?"

"Hey Boss." Bull grunted, staring at them from across the fire pit he was constructing. 

"Bull?"

"Hey Shifty. Remember me?"

"Varric? You're here too?"

"Of course we're here. You don't believe we'd really let you go without a fight?" Varric said, a faint smile on his lips. 

Nathaniel turned his head, shame filling him as his cheeks flushed. 

"None of that now Boss." Bull admonished. "Unless you're planning to ditch us while we're sleeping, you don't need to explain why you're down here and no apologies either. You're not planning to do that are you?"

Nathaniel turned to stare into Dorian's eyes, holding his gaze with his own as he answered. "No. No I'm not Bull. Not anymore."

"That's a relief." Varric sighed. "I wasn't looking forward to traipsing through another Thaig to chase after you." 

"Sorry Varric."

"Hey now, that's what friends are for. What Bull said goes for all of us. You and Sparkler just talk. We're not going anywhere. Though you might want to clean up a bit, you're starting to smell."

"Come with me Nathaniel." Dorian said, hauling him to his feet. "We passed a stream on our way here. I don't suppose you brought a change of clothes?"

Nathaniel shook his head, shame coursing through him once more. 

"Well no matter. I brought an extra robe or two. You can wear one of those while yours dry."

Feeling like a child who'd been given a severe scolding, Nathaniel followed Dorian to the stream. He stripped out of his soiled and blood-spattered armour until he was standing in front of Dorian wearing nothing but his smallcloths.

"As much as I like the view I can't let you stand around half-naked." Dorian quipped handing him a royal blue robe with a fur-lined collar.

Shrugging it on, he breathed deep, inhaling the familiar scent of Dorian which clung to the soft fabric. "I don't know how you can stand to look at me." He muttered, fumbling with the stays. 

Dorian frowned, swatting his hand away as he helped secure the robe at his waist. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Dorian. Don't pretend you don't know why I was down here. All of you know what I was planning."

Dorian's hands shook as he released his hold on Nathaniel's collar, his lip trembling as tears sprung to his eyes. "I can't believe you would do something like this." He whispered. "I drove you to this. How can you even tolerate my being here?"

Nathaniel reached for him, cupping his face in his hands to  stare into Dorian's eyes. "You didn't drive me to this Dorian. No one can do that. Yes, you were part of it, but if I had chosen to talk to you instead of running away it might never have happened. I... gave up. After everything that happened in Halamshiral I... wasn't myself and I reacted badly. Childish even."

"Only because I broke your heart." Dorian murmured miserably. 

"And I suppose I'm completely blameless for then turning around and breaking yours?"

"Nathaniel please don't go easy on me. I don't deserve it."

Nathaniel sighed, pulling the weeping mage into his arms and squeezed him tightly. His hand made gentle circles on his back when Dorian shuddered, his body wracked with sobs.

"Hush love. I'm so sorry for what I did to you. You needed me after your father died and I abandoned you. I will never forgive myself for that."

"It's my fault." Dorian sniffed, his sobs subsiding to tears. "I should have told you about the sending crystals immediately. It was meant to be a gift for when our duties forced us apart. I knew I needed to return to Minrathous, but I had never intended for it to be permanent."

"It was a lovely gift Dorian. And if I hadn't behaved like an asshole you could have shown me how they worked."

"I'd forgotten I never explained that. Can I ask what made you try to use it last night?"

Nathaniel turned away, refusing to meet his eyes. "I wanted to hear your voice one more time. I honestly had no idea what I was even doing. Wait, does that mean you heard me? It worked?"

"Yes it worked."

Nathaniel's heart was pounding. Dorian could feel it against his chest and frowned. "Nathaniel? Is something wrong?"

"I..." He hesitated, biting his lower lip nervously. "Maker this is hard."

"What?"

"Would you... I mean, do you want... Maker. Will you call me amatus Dorian? I know I shouldn't ask and you probably don't want to after everything I did and I don't deserve it and you have every right not to want to but I..  really miss hearing you say it. And... kaffas. Never mind, forget I asked."

"Nathaniel. You have been and always shall be my one and only Amatus."

"Of course, I understand." He nodded, clearly expecting a different answer when his eyes locked on his. "Wait, what?"

"You heard me amatus."

"I don't deserve you Dorian."

"Nonsense. It is I who doesn't deserve you."

Nathaniel giggled, hugging Dorian closer. "We are a pair aren't we?"

"It's good to hear you laugh amatus."

"As good as it is to have you in my arms love." Nathaniel replied, pressing his lips to his.

"I suppose we should go back. Bull and Varric might think we've fallen down a crevass." Dorian murmured. 

"I suppose we should." Nathaniel agreed. "Though I would really like to know how you came to be involved. I didn't know you were in contact with anyone in Ferelden."

Dorian pursed his lips as they headed back to camp. "I wasn't."

"Then how?"

"I think you should talk to Bull about that and then perhaps Varric as well."

"I'd much rather hear it from you."

"I know you would, but I'm not sure I can explain properly. Please amatus, talk to Bull. Afterwards, if you still have questions I will do my best to answer you."

Nathaniel frowned but nodded noting the hard set of Dorian's jaw and how he'd begun to pluck self-consciously at imagined dirt on his robe.

"Alright." He nodded, his thoughts going bleak as he wondered how long Dorian planned to stay. He hadn't said and it felt wrong to ask now. He had come all this way to find him, even after he'd slammed the door on anything Dorian might've said.

"Amatus? What is it? You've gone awfully quiet all of a sudden."

"It's nothing. I was just thinking how far a walk it is back to the surface. Now that I realize how foolish I've been, I don't relish remaining down here another minute."

"You want to leave?" Varric asked, overhearing them. "Sounds good to me. Just say the word Inquisitor and we'll pack up the camp and get moving."

"Varric, I'm not the Inquisitor anymore, just call me by my name."

"Maybe it's no longer official,  but you'll always be the Inquisitor to me."

Nathaniel huffed, irritated. "Fine, whatever. And yes, I do want to leave unless you all want to rest first."

"Are you shitting me?" Bull grumbled starting to pack. "Getting out of here is at the top of my list now that we've found you. Besides, who can get any rest in this shit hole? I'm for leaving as soon as you're ready boss."

"Bull I'm not your boss now either."

"Like Varric said, not officially but if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna keep calling you that anyway."

"Fine." Nathaniel huffed. "Whatever. Let's get out of here then."

"Thank the Maker." Varric sighed, taking the lead and setting out back the way they'd come. "No offense to my ancestors but I will never understand the appeal of living underground."


	5. 5

**Nathaniel**

We made our way back to the surface in silence and I was grateful for it. I knew they'd all said they didn't need or want an explanation for what I'd planned, that they understood. But seeing them here, knowing what they'd seen to lead them to me... I was filled with shame. Gratitude and shame. It was not a pleasant combination.

But Dorian being here... I couldn't decide if I was imagining him because it was what I most wanted, or if I was in shock. He walked by my side, also not saying anything, but I was so turned around by my dramatic and unexpected rescue I wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not.

It was full dark by the time we left the cave and we reached the coast a short time later. Bull, Varric and Dorian got to work setting up camp while I looked on feeling every bit the undeserving jackass I was. 

My heart sank when I realized they were putting up four tents and my lip trembled. I didn't know why I was surprised. It had been two months since I'd walked away from Dorian and refused all his attempts to talk to me. Once they had the tents up, Bull went off to collect firewood, Varric got dinner ready and Dorian lit a fire for cooking.

I felt so out of place and so guilty I was having serious trouble making my legs move me closer to the fire. We'd shared a fire like this not so long ago, but so much had changed. I was no longer their leader and I'd done nothing to prevent my downward spiral into despair. And it wasn't as though I'd had to either. I'd just shut the door on everyone and ran.

"Hey Shifty, I've got some food cooking on the fire, care for some ale while we wait?" Varric called. 

"Sounds good Varric." I replied, surprised when my voice didn't crack over the strain of covering my distress. 

Joining them, I took a seat on a log Bull had dragged up from the shore, taking the mug Varric held out to me as I did. The heat from the fire warmed me, but did little to ease my discomfort. 

"So boss, feeling better now that you're out of that cave?" Bull asked, tipping his mug to his lips and taking a huge swallow. 

I raised my eyebrow at him knowing exactly what he was really asking. "Much better Bull. Though I'd forgotten how uncomfortably damp the Storm Coast truly is."

"Good place for an invasion though. All this rain makes for good cover."

"Only you could find the positive in this inhumane atmosphere." Dorian huffed. 

"Tiny, you never cease to scare the shit out of me. Reminds me of my Guard-Captain back in Kirkwall."

"Is he a former Ben-Hasrath too?"

Varric chuckled. "She, actually and no. I don't think Red even understands subtle, she's just plain scary all on her own."

"Red?" Bull perked up. "Another nickname or is it literal?"

"Funny you should ask. I spent years trying to come up with a nickname for her. She even complained once that she was the only one without a nickname. Didn't like Red the first time I used it, but she came around eventually."

"Varric. After all that yapping you just did, you still haven't told me why." Bull growled.

"Right. Well mostly because she's a red-head, but later it was also because of her scary temper. And red-heads faces turn bright red when they're pissed."

"Your Guard-Captain is a red-head? Why have you never introduced me?"

"Uh probably because the last Qunari she had to deal with tried to kill her and Hawke?"

"That was ages ago." Bull scoffed. "Red-head dwarf. Red. Head. Makes me tingle all over just thinking about it. And Guard-Captain? Bet she wears expensive heavy armour. Mmm."

"Really Bull. You don't even know the woman." Dorian reprimanded. 

Varric laughed. "Sorry Tiny. Aveline is a happily married woman. Has been for several years now."

"Kaffas dwarf." Bull growled. "Why'd you lead me on like that then?"

"Hold up Tiny. I didn't lead you anywhere, you went there all by yourself."

Bull grunted. "Hey boss, care to join me in a perimeter sweep? You don't wanna get all stiffened up after killing those dragonlings."

"Sure Bull. Thanks for the reminder." I said, getting to my feet after handing my mug back to Varric. "Be right with you."

It was challenging picking my way over the rocky shore still clad in Dorian's robe, but I was reluctant to give it up. Wearing it allowed me to pretend he was mine again and his scent lingered in the fabric. I would have much preferred to have Dorian at my side. But I didn't know what happened after we returned to Kirkwall and I wanted him close to me as long as possible, even if it were only his borrowed robe.

We walked a few meters outside of camp, before I cast my eyes to Bull. "So, you wanted to talk. What's up?" I asked. 

"Mmm. You can take the Inquisition out of Skyhold but you can't take the rogue out of the Inquisitor."

"That's not a good metaphor Bull." I grumbled. 

"Maybe not, but it made you stop looking like you just sucked on one too many lemons."

"That obvious?"

"Hey nice to meet you, name's Iron Bull, former Ben-Hasrath. Heard of me?"

"You're saying because you used to be a spy you know something about my expression?"

"Not exactly. But it did use to be my job. Pretty sure Varric and Dorian noticed too."

"Of course they did." I grumbled. 

"So? You going to tell me what's going on in that head of yours or do I need to beat it out of you?"

"Perfect setting." I grumbled. "Lots of dead wood around here. Perfect weapons for hitting people with."

"So, you're feeling bad about us knowing why you're out here. Remember when we first met and I told you about the re-educators?"

I nodded. "I do, but why bring that up now?"

"You think I did that just for kicks?  The Qun offers a way to deal with loss of purpose boss. Without it I would've ended up in my own version of the Deep Roads. Maybe go out in a blaze of glory in Seheron. Same as you."

"Mmm. I can see that, but..."

"But what about Dorian? Or Varric? How do you suppose Varric would've handed things if you'd left Hawke in the Fade? You think he'd have been fine with it? Because I don't think he would. Maybe he wouldn't have gone to the Deep Roads, but I'm damn sure he'd be drunk more often than not."

"So what I did was normal? "

"Is anything anyone does normal?"

"It's not the same Bull. I was the Inquisitor, now I'm... I don't know what I am."

"You may not be in charge of your own personal army now boss, but you're still the Inquisitor. You still stopped Corypheus and you still restored order."

"And I did all that for what again? Right. So Solas could feel good about himself until he finishes what Corypheus started." I snarled.

"None of that is your fault boss. That asshole played us all. If anyone should apologize it should be me." Bull growled, grabbing my arm and turning me to face him. 

"You? For what?" I frowned.

"I was Ben-Hasrath. I was damn good at my job, I still am. But even I couldn't see him for what he was. If I hadn't gone Tal-Vashoth over my boys, I would've had to after learning about him."

"That... hadn't occurred to me."

"We've all made mistakes boss. We all have our personal demons to wrestle. There's no shame in it."

"But if the three of you hadn't followed me..." I trailed off, unable to finish or look him in the eye.

Bull grunted. "If we hadn't followed you, you never would've kept going. Might've taken you a couple days to work it out, but eventually you would've left the Deep Roads and gone back to Kirkwall."

"You sound pretty sure about that."

"Course I'm sure. You were way too willing to come back with us. Also, you took charge as soon as you were cleaned up. A part of you might think you have nothing without the Inquisition, but deep down you know none of what you're thinking is true. You're a leader boss and you care. That's not nothing."

"So because I said let's leave the Deep Roads it means I wasn't serious?"

Bull chuckled. "I know it doesn't sound like much, but yeah. Am I wrong?"

I frowned, staring down at the rocks at my feet. "No. You're not wrong."

"Good."

"Thanks for the pep talk Bull." I  said, rolling my shoulders to ease the built-up tension there. 

"Any time boss." Bull grinned, turning us back to camp.

I was silent for a while as we walked until I remembered Dorian. "Bull?"

"Yeah boss?"

"How did Dorian find out about all this? He wouldn't tell me when I asked. He said to talk to you."

"Bloody Vint." Bull grumbled. "Of course he did."

"Well?"

Bull came to a stop and told me everything. When he finished, my heart hurt and I was very near to tears. I'd been so consumed by my own loss I had never thought how what I'd done had affected Dorian. Yet still he'd come to my rescue. Even after everything I'd said.

"Come on boss. Let's get back to camp. I think we could all use a rest. You especially."

\----xxx----

Two hours later Varric had turned in for the night. Bull was busy regaling Dorian and I with tales about Chargers while drinking Chasind Sack Mead. I appreciated his efforts but I wasn't feeling it. I was drowning in guilt and sorrow.  All I wanted was to beg Dorian's forgiveness but I didn't know his plans or if he even still wanted me. 

Pasting a smile on my face, I got to my feet and bid them both goodnight. To my own ears I sounded perfectly normal and headed straight for my tent without a backward glance.

The tears were flowing as soon as the flap closed behind me. I couldn't believe what Bull had told me. I'd broken the only man who'd ever loved me. How he could have come here, after everything I'd said... 

I swiped at my eyes and removed my borrowed clothes. I folded them into a neat pile before crawling into my bedroll and dousing the light, silent tears still flowing down my cheeks as I willed sleep to claim me.


	6. 6

**Dorian**

"So? You gonna follow him or what Vint?" Bull asked quietly. 

"I don't know if that's wise." Dorian replied, frowning.

"Don't start Dorian. The sooner the two of you realize you need each other, the better. He needs you and you need him. Nothing else matters."

"I just don't know if I can fix this Bull."

"Oh come on. You know what you need to do here, you both do. You just have to say it out loud to each other. Everything else will take care of itself. Now get in there before I carry you in."

Dorian tensed. "You wouldn't dare."

"Wouldn't I?"

"Fine. I'll go. You seem so sure of this, but I reserve the right to say I told you so if you're wrong."

\----xxx----

Dorian got to his feet and headed for his tent. If he was doing this, he was going to be presentable first.

He changed out of his soiled robe and pulled on his last clean one. He'd given Nathaniel his only other robe so at least he hadn't had to choose what to wear. Which meant he had nothing to keep him from going to Nathaniel now. 

Squaring his shoulders, he ducked out of his tent and made straight for Nathaniel's. He hesitated only a second when he stepped into the darkened tent, worried he might be waking him. But then he heard it. The shaky intake of breath, the shudder of someone trying to keep silent while they cried and he was rooted to the spot.

"Amatus?" He whispered, not wanting to scare him.

A sniffle sounded, followed by a shuffling. "Dorian?" Nathaniel whispered back.

It was all he needed to hear before he was at his side, his arms gathering his amatus to him in a fierce embrace. "It's me amatus. I'm here."

"Dorian." Nathaniel sobbed. "I'm so sorry. I was so wrapped up in myself... you were going to let someone kill you? My heart, what did I do to you?"

"Amatus no. We are not doing this now. I did it to myself. I should never have let you shut me out. I should have made you listen."

"Made me? Dorian, I ran from you. I said awful things."

"Which we have both apologized for." Dorian reminded him firmly. "Amatus we can wallow in our guilt until we both drown in it, or we can let it go and move on."

Nathaniel gave a brief snort of laughter. "Maker. When did you become wise?"

"Very funny amatus. But I'm serious. I'll let it go if you will. What do you say?"

"Alright." He replied, but Dorian could hear the tremor in his voice, the unspoken fear. 

"Amatus." He whispered, his hands going to cup his cheeks, drawing him into a gentle kiss. "I know what you want to say, but you don't have to. I'm with you now and I'm never leaving your side again. You don't ever have to worry about that, ever."

"But your work, your homeland... it's important to you."

"I learned a very hard lesson these past months amatus. Things I didn't realize until I didn't have them anymore."

Nathaniel blinked to clear away his tears. "I don't understand."

"All of my grand plans, my hopes for my countrymen, my homeland... none of it means anything without you at my side."

"But... "

"Clearly words aren't going to work right now." Dorian huffed, getting to his feet. 

"What are you doing?" Nathaniel asked, his voice thick with emotion and an unmistakable thread of fear. 

Shuffling and a few mumbled curses broke the silence. "I should think it obvious amatus, I'm removing my clothes."

"You're... what?"

And then Nathaniel was groaning as Dorian pressed his lips to his while his hands removed his night clothes. He moaned beneath Dorian's touch, his skin alight with need and desire as the mage stripped him bare. 

Dorian was panting, his thoughts clouding as he pressed Nathaniel to the bedroll and settled himself between his legs.

"Dorian." Nathaniel whispered in a strangled voice. "Please..."

Dorian kissed his way down Nathaniel's chest, delighting in the small moans he was drawing from his lover. His hand caressed his lover's thigh, making gooseflesh rise beneath his palm. He smiled to himself before taking his amatus between his lips and his heart soared when Nathaniel hissed at the contact.

"Maker... Dorian..." Nathaniel groaned.

Dorian hummed low in his throat knowing the effect it would have. Nathaniel pulsed between his slick lips and he sucked at the end gently, drawing another hiss from his lover. 

"Dorian please..."

"Please?" He whispered, releasing him to breathe his words against his lover's sensitive thigh.

"Please Dorian, make love to me."

"Amatus..." He whispered, his voice thick with emotion, letting Nathaniel draw him up his quivering body for a kiss.

"Please?" He said again, pressing a familiar vial into his hand.

Dorian felt his heart soar at the implication of the glass vial in his hand. It's presence here told him his amatus had never completely given up on him. On them. That despite what Nathaniel had planned, even in the Deep Roads he still had hope.

Nathaniel writhed beneath him, his breathing laboured as he tried to bring Dorian down to him for a kiss. 

"Patience amatus." He whispered, drawing a groan from him as he applied the oil to his lover.

Slowly, he eased himself forward, his arms supporting him above Nathaniel's quivering form. He pushed deep and Nathaniel drew him down, capturing his lips in a desperate kiss.

He moved beneath him, drawing a hiss from his own lips, his length pulsing against the tightness of being sheathed inside his love. "Maker Nathaniel..." He groaned. "I love you so much."

Nathaniel moved his hips, impaling himself further as he sought the friction he so desperately needed. "I love you too Dorian. Please move a little... I'm... not going to last."

Dorian chuckled. "Neither am I amatus."

He shifted and began to move rhythmically, matching Nathaniel's movement with his thrusts. Nathaniel pulled him down to him, trapping his throbbing length between them as their pace increased.

"Oh maker..." Dorian gasped against his lover's lips as he reached the apex of his arousal.

"My heart, my love..." Nathaniel gasped, his release flooding and warming their abdomens as Dorian filled him with his seed.

Dorian's strength gave out, his every muscle twitching with the release of tension and he collapsed onto Nathaniel, burying his face in the crook of his neck. 

"Dorian, Dorian..." Nathaniel whispered, his hands tracing lazy circles on Dorian's back. "Maker bless me. I never thought I'd hold you again."

Dorian groaned, rolling off Nathaniel and raising up on his elbow to gaze at him. "That makes two of us." He whispered back, a tear tracking down his cheek. 

Nathaniel cupped his cheek, wiping away the tear with his thumb. "I was a fool to let you go my love."

"If anyone's a fool in this scenario..."

Nathaniel giggled. "We are both fools Dorian, but hopefully we're quick learners."

"I can say with confidence that you are a quick learner. I on the other hand..."

"Will never be without me again." Nathaniel finished, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "Not ever Dorian."

"Amatus... I..."

"Care to be inquisited again my heart? I believe it's your turn to be ravished."

Dorian managed a tremulous smile. "The things you say."

**Nathaniel**

I smiled at Dorian, my heart overflowing with love and gratitude for the beautiful man beneath me. He was quivering, his skin peppered with gooseflesh and I knew it wasn't just from our exertions.

I could see it in his eyes when I kissed him, recognising my own fear. He thought as I did that this was only a dream, that he'd wake to find himself alone.

I kissed him again, pouring all the  love I felt for him into the press of my lips on his. Then I hugged him to me, drawing him up to wrap my arm about his waist and tucking my face into his shoulder, breathing deep his scent.

"Oh amatus..." He sighed against my neck. "I love you so much. Is this real?"

"It's real my heart." I whispered back as he turned me to place a soft kiss on my lips. 

"Then in answer to your question, I would very much like it if you would ravish me now."

I laughed. "I thought you'd never ask." I whispered back, my voice husky with desire. 

He sighed as I pressed him back down to the bed, following him with my lips pressed to his collarbone. I trailed kisses across his shoulder before tracing the pulse in his neck with my tongue and gently sucking at his earlobe.

He groaned, his eyelids fluttering as he lost himself to my touch. Moving lower, I trailed more  kisses down his abdomen, his member throbbing against my throat.

"Amatus..." He croaked, his hands clenching the blanket beneath him. "Please... I need you."

I chuckled under my breath, my own need hard against his thigh. Positioning myself between his legs, I used my hand and the stump of my left arm to hold his thighs apart and captured the tip of him with my mouth. He twitched between my lips, legs quivering as he tested my hold on him.

I pressed his legs down more firmly and he groaned, his need pulsing as I took him deep inside my throat. His hips thrust, urging me to move, but instead I laughed and continued my slow pace, taking him deep and pulling back to suck at his tip and trace his grooves with my tongue. 

He was writhing now, his lower body fighting to make me move, my leisure ministrations driving him mad with his need for release. "Nathaniel..." He gasped.

I picked up my pace and began sucking more rhythmically, while keeping his thighs pressed wide. Dorian was panting with effort, fighting his body for control as I sucked him.

"I need you... inside me." He croaked. "I want you to fill me. Take me amatus."

I let him go from my lips and allowed him draw me up his body, his hand circling my member to spread the oil over me. I groaned against his lips as he slid his hand up and down my length, making me tremble with need.

I wasn't sure how I was going to manage what he asked of me, but even as I thought it, he switched positions. I stared up at him in surprise, watching as he positioned me at his entrance, using his hand to guide me inside him.

We groaned in unison as he sheathed me in his heat, his muscles twitching as he adjusted to my presence. Seconds passed as he relaxed around me and then he began to move. Slowly at first and then faster as our passion combined, both of us riding the same wave of desire as I stroked his length in unison with the pace he set. 

The crescendo hit us at the same time, both of us crying the other's name in a hoarse moan. I filled him, my length throbbing inside him as he clenched around me, his seed spurting warm over my hand, covering my chest and abdomen.  

His breath came in short gasps as he bent to me, kissing me with fervour. I could feel the rapid beat of his heart match the pulse which jumped in my throat. 

Slowly, he slid himself free and fumbled about, searching for a towel. With a happy noise of triumph, he cleaned us both before snuggling into my left side. 

"Mmm." I sighed contentedly. "I'm so grateful to have found a man who is so fastidious in cleaning up messes."

"Are you teasing me amatus?" He whispered, his cheek resting on my chest.

"Maybe a little." I smiled. "But truly, I do appreciate that about you. Cleaning up after always used to make me feel awkward, as though what I'd done with another man had been shameful. It was as though I were erasing the act, making it appear as if it had never happened."

"Clearly those you were with didn't appreciate what they had." He said, tensing as the words left his lips. 

I hugged him to me, kissing the top of his head until he relaxed against me once more.

"I know what you're thinking and it's not true Dorian, I appreciate you and I know you appreciate me. I know because we're both here. Now, together. Halamshiral was no picnic. We all received more than our share of shocks, but you and I especially. You lost your father and were being welcomed back home. I lost my arm and the Inquisition, but all of us were betrayed by a man we once called a friend. So maybe we didn't appreciate what we had after we'd received so many shocks. We're too hard on ourselves Dorian."

"True." He nodded against my chest. "And you're right. We are too hard on ourselves, though it's likely what drew us to each other in the first place."

I smiled, lifting his chin so I could see his eyes. "Which is what exactly? Our stubbornness? Devastating good looks? Your exquisite backside?"

He smiled. "I can't deny my allure, though I've never seen my backside as much as I have the rest of me. I can only imagine then that it is only equalled in beauty by yours."

"I assure you, there has never been a finer, more exquisite ass in all of Thedas than yours. But was there something you wanted to add before I interrupted?"

"Only that part of what drew me to you was your curiosity. Your fairness. But most of all, your patience and integrity."

"Kiss me Dorian." I demanded, my heart swelling. His lips pressed to mine and I sighed against him. "I promise you, I will never part from you in anger ever again."

"And I will never allow you to walk away again without fighting for you. Never amatus."

"Mmm. Everything you said attracted you to me? I feel the same for you." I admitted, hugging him close.

Dorian smiled against my lips. "My favourite thing about you... is your insolence. Drives me mad. I love how you can match wits with me. I find it most alluring."

"Insolence?"

"Yes amatus, insolence. Are you up for another round? Nothing strenuous of course, I would just  like to make up for lost time and remind myself of your every curve. Though I'd understand if you'd rather sleep. We have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow."

I smiled against his lips. "I'd like nothing better love. But admit it,  you're hoping I'll wear you out enough that you'll sleep through the boat ride."

Dorian grunted. "Kaffas. I was hoping you'd forgotten that."

"I haven't forgotten anything about you Dorian. But I'm more than happy to help if you think it will work."

"I knew there was another reason I love you." He whispered, kissing me deeply. "Always willing to lend a hand."

"And more when needed." I added cheekily. 

"See what I mean? Insolence." He said, pressing his lips to mine in a fierce kiss. "So very enticing."

"I aim to please." I murmured as the press of his hard length against me pushed all further talk from my mind.

**_* fin_**


End file.
